SWB: When did I feel most fully myself? Least myself?

Bread is better than lotion for making you feel comfortable in your own skin!

Sleeping with bread provides the opportunity for some internal as well as external assessment of a persons' life in general. I think that is why it has prooved to be such a helpful "exercise". It involves spiritual, physcial, emotional and practical aspects of life and it gives people the chance to look at the whole instead of separate parts of self.

This said, I am one full week into my new position with Westminster Prebyterian Church and I have to say, I'm feeling more like myself than I have in a very long time. It's difficult at this early point to discern the exact reasons why I'm feeling more comfortable in my skin - but the fact remains that I do. So I'll try to explain some of the whys, at least the whys that I understand at the moment.

Why #1?
Commuting is no longer a part of my day. While there are times that I miss the thinking and alone time of my commute to work ( mostly for the ipod shuffle time), I'm greatly relieved to no longer have to clock 40 -50 miles a day in my 1993 Red Buick Skylark. I'm feeling more centered and calm, even though I still have a great deal to accomplish in a single day - and I think it comes back to the place that I don't always have to be "on the move". There is more time for living and less for sitting alone in my car one hour a day.

Why#2?
There is joy in finding how God works in the midst of living a working in one community. Througout the week, I ran into people at the grocery store, at Walmart and two different coffe shops I like to visit. One coffee shop in particular felt like an appointment that God set up. After attending a meeting for college one day last week, I decided to go out for coffee and actually prayed that God would guide me to the right place. After driving around in my Red Buick Skylark for a few minutes i decided to go to a spot I hadn't been for probaby 6 months. I pulled in, ordered my coffee and bagel and scoped out a place to sit. as I turned around I saw a girl that used to be involved in a previous ministry I had been involved in and had always wondered about. After the usual exchange of "Hellos" I found out that she worked there. As I sat working on my notes for an on campus meeting I had later in the day, she came over on her way to her lunch break and I invited her to sit and visit. There weren't fireworks or any major conversion as we sat chatting over bagels and coffee - but there was a connection made between two people that had lost touch in the winds of time. Thanks God for that - I felt at home in my skin at that moment.

Why#3?
Conflicts or even potential conflicts are not my best area of function. I love it when people get along, support each other and care about their relationships. So, I even see the humor in the fact that I spend a great deal of time and energy helping people get along and press on for a goal to better life for the majority. Conflict is an everyday part fo life that usually makes me feel least myself - off center - messed up.
One of my first duties while working on a particular outreach project was to assist a group of students in becoming more organized, concerned about the feelings of the people they were directing and sensitive to the nature of serving thier campus. I had imagined all sorts of negatives: This group isn't used to working with a female in a ministry role, this group won't be willing to accept direction let alone criticism from me... and on and on and on...
As it turns out, the small group was totally fine with the fact that I was their advisor from now on, they let me direct them and help them get organized for the meeting for next week and they allowed me to help lead the devotion for that day's session. Surprise - I felt at home in my skin even in the midst of potential conflict.

Why#4?
Singing and playing guitar make me happy. More than that - leading worship and seeing the joy on the faces of the people in front of me is a joy that I can't quite describe. This Sunday, my friend James and I led the early worship service with music and I shared some thoughts and scriptures with the group that was gathered for church. It was a beautiful time of worship, prayer, communion and more for me. It was a moment I saw all the things I'd hoped for over the last 6 months all come together to create the strongest sense and reality of church community for months, maybe even years. God helped me feel not just comfortable, but good and whole and safe in my skin on last Sunday morning. I was me and I was home!

Now I can's say that all these circumstances and situations from week one are stress free and easy, but I can honestly say that the only moments that I felt least myself were the times I allowed old memories, unkind words or fear that I'd wake up from the happy dream distract me from the fullness of what my life really should and can be.

Luke 9:62 (New International Version)

62Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

When I look at this scripture I begin to think and wonder how often does my ability to rehash, rerun and repeat the negative things of life keep my focus off of the real direction I should be going in? If I'm truly beginning again, why carry around the burdens from the past?

Now that know the whys that help me feel more at home in my own skin and the thing that causes me to feel like a stranger to myself, can I make an effort to take another step forward? I think so, in fact - I know that I can't go backwards from now on (although it would be foolish to think I'll never wander off the road). One step at a time. one why at a time and hopefully soon I can help someone else feel at home in their own skin too.