SWB: Anger and Passion

Image and Serenity Prayer found here.

Mary Lue, creator of Sleeping with Bread Mondays made reference to a wonderful author this morning in her host post on the topic of surrender. I have this picture in my mind of what I imagine Frank Lambuach looking like while shaving and prayerfully asking G-d, 'What, Father, do you desire said? What, Father, do you desire done this minute?'

Surrender is something I'm not always very good at. I tend to be independent, willful, and some may even say stubborn. From a young age, I'd tell my parents, "No, I'd rather do it myself." That statement wraps it all up quite nicely. In fact, I think I may have mentioned my independent streak here a time or two before.

While there are times that being independent is a useful tool that I have been thankful to have throughout my life, there are times that it is a stumbling block. When you begin to believe that you can do life in its entirety on your own, you are due for some feelings of isolation, disappointment and sometimes disillusionment.

What happens, per say, if I come against a challenge that I CAN'T accomplish or overcome on my own? What happens then?

From personal experience I can tell you that anger, frustration, tears are coming down the pike when I am in a circumstance that I can't easily repair solo. It's as if things just don't compute when a failure occurs. Maybe it's even off to say failure, because if there is something you've never learned, how can it be a failure if you just don't know how to do it. I suppose the correct term would be ignorance. Either way, failure or ignorance are not the places that I like to reside. Heck, I don't even want to visit that part of the neighborhood.

In the last few weeks, I've had a lot on my plate. Most of the plate I'd managed to take care of with moderate success. But then, there was a bill or two I forgot to pay, cleaning that I never got to during the holidays, cookies that were not made, and on Saturday a flat tire I could not and did not have the experience to change. This flat tire was the one straw too many for this tired-out camel. MY SWB post this week is on the longish side. Sorry if it takes a bit to read, but this story just had a mind of it's own in its transition from life to the blogverse.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

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It was an especially cold day with below zero wind chill, feet of snow that I'd been shoveling for an hour and all I wanted to do was move our cars that were parked on the street so the plow could go through and to go inside for a nice cup of hot tea.

Car #1 is a champ in the snow and got out of the drift without delay. Car #2 however, was not moving so fast. No matter how carefully I tried to pull away from the drifts of snow, the car did not want to go forward. I floored it, pulled onto the main road and found I could not make the hill. So I put the car in reverse, backed down the hill and somehow managed to get the car across the intersection and park it on the opposite side of the street. I got out to inspect the car to find the right passenger tire totally flat. It could have been the cold, it could have been the wear and tear, but it was not going anywhere.

It was time for me to ask for some help.

I did not have the courage to ask the neighbors surrounding me for help with the flat, heavens they may think I was a damsel in distress - right? So I called AAA instead. The woman on the phone was all about the details and nothing more. Where is the car? What is your account number? What is the condition of the spare?

"What is the condition of the spare?!!?" I asked, embarrassed because I did not know. "Yes. Before I send out help I need to know the condition of the spare so I know what the wrecker crew has to work with." she said flatly. Annoyed with her impatience, I told her I would go check the "condition" of the spare and call back. She sarcastically said, "That would be a good idea, because until I know the condition of the spare I can't proceed with the call." Click. She hung up.

Man was I angry. Could she not just send a wrecker and have them asses what needed to happen when the got here? Was not AAA staff SUPPOSED to be caring, helpful, patient, and used to working with stressed out people?

I looked in the back of the Toyota to find a "Brand-New" do-nut and all the tools for a tire switch. I thought about trying to change it on my own, but I was so cold by then, I surrendered that idea and went inside to call back. When I got back on the phone, I was hoping to get the less-than-gracious staff person and tell here what she could do with the brand new do-nut in the hatch of my car. Thankfully, it was not the impatient person that picked up, it was a kind woman who saved me the embarrassment of my own anger and frustration.

She asked if I had a warm place to wait for the AAA help. She asked why I had to call back, and I told her. She was compassionate, helpful and did not cut me off when telling her about this problem I could not fix on my own. She got the job done, and within an hour the guy drove up and had my tire switched in less than five minutes.
I needed help, I got some help (with a little hassle) and I got my car to the tire shop safely and in time to buy four new all-weather tires. Problem solved right?
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Image from Coverbrowser.com

On Sunday morning we had more snow than the day before, however I did not get stuck this time. The new tires seemed to be helping. I shoveled, warmed the cars, changed my clothes for church, picked up some teens and got to the church without too much trouble.

My daughter was telling her friend about my situation the day before, and about my foul mood. Later Saturday afternoon I had to take her to a babysitting job across town and found her coming to the car without adequate winter attire. I had scolded her for not having gloves and a warm coat and tossed mine to her with a not-so-friendly reminder about frost bite and how quick you can get in weather like this.

Thankfully, we were all laughing at the story by Sunday morning. But deep down, I was bothered by the fact that anger had won out in my frustrations on Saturday. Anger somehow was seemingly trying to take over my attitude, and that was not something I liked seeing and knowing.

It was my turn to be liturgist for worship. I got to wear a white robe, sing the Kyrie, and assist with communion. In light of my anger on Saturday, I did not particularly feels I should be helping in worship this way. I had messed up. Shouldn't a better tempered, more graceful person be the one to do this job? How ironic that the meaning of the sung Kyrie is, "Lord, have mercy". I was one seriously in need of some mercy, that is for sure.

For a moment during the prayers, I caught my own reflection in the shine of the communion cup. My face looked peaceful, my robe was bright, and I looked like the right person for the job in that moment. This image was not the one I'd been seeing in my own minds eye. Seeing my own face, now joyful, peering back at me was a total surprise.

Isn't that the truth though? Because of God, because of Jesus, because of the bread and wine of communion, we all are made right with God and for whatever job he asks of us each day. Just like Frank Lambuach asking God, 'What, Father, do you desire said? What, Father, do you desire done this minute?' - I too in that moment could ask the same. I could surrender doing this on my own, because to be honest, this was something only God can do.

"Here the body of Christ broken for you, Tara.
Here the blood of Christ shed for you, Tara."



I may be frustrated at times when life or anger get the best of me, because in that moment I don't feel like a very good ambassador for God. This is a place I don't want to be, because my heart's passion is to be and live sincerely in my faith in Jesus.

Then again, the Christian faith is not something I can do on my own or by myself. It is to be Christ in me - working, changing and helping me more and more. I don't have to do this all by myself. I can't. I need more of Jesus to do any of it at all.

Uncle. I surrender.

There are are too many flat tires in this world for me. I think the serenity prayer is one that I'll be saying more of in that days to come. Communion this week was my bread. May God's peace be with to you all on this snowy, blowy Monday until we share bread together once again.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr
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