Monday, May 04, 2009
SWB: Rock and a hard place
I once read that the hardest thing about moving on to a new opportunity is to stop the habit of looking back at the old door/window that used to be yours. Is it my looking backwards that keeps causing me to be in this awkward place?
My consolation and desolation are hinged on the same window this week. The issue itself I think is one that could be plugged or unplugged, but the root of what makes it a desolation is knowing I can't choose to go back.
Loss is like that. Just when you think you are over it, poof! A smell, a memory, even a new possibility can trigger the feeling of emptiness and wanting to fill up the hole that you thought was gone, but really is still there.
I keep trying to let this loss go and bravely move into the new found freedom that the loss made room for, but moving on is sometimes so hard.
My bread this week is knowing what I lost was very important to me, more so than I ever knew. My bread is knowing I'm not alone in my feelings. My struggle is knowing how to move past the loss, and figuring out how not to get caught up in wanting to fill the hole too soon, or not filling that space with the 'right' bread.
What if, what if, though the new door/window that was presented to me a few days ago is the right one? What if that is the bread that I really should eat?
Here I am between a rock and a hard place, but I'm still holding on to the bread of hope. I will hold out for the hope of joy in this dark corner, even when just the idea of it brings tears to my eyes.